At most, six people may post to each of my profiles on any given day. Those six will be chosen randomly on a rotating schedule that will change twice daily at an hour determined by my horoscope. If one of those six chooses to use a spouse/child/pet as a proxy, they may do so under the following terms:
1. The spouse must be over the age of 21, and actively holding a glass of wine while posting. Cognac may be used with advanced notice in triplicate, but only if the handwriting is legible.
2. Children must be potty trained.
3. Pets will be approved on a case-by-case basis. Contributors are reminded that they may bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad, but only if they understand that reference.
No left-handed people are to be injured during the process of any post at any time.
Occasionally I will allow others to post under my name, with the exception of days ending in W, Q, Y, and R. On those days, all posts, status updates, tweets, and random YouTube videos are guaranteed to have been posted by me. For those seeking permission to post on all remaining days, please message the account you wish to take over, along with the letter of the alphabet that you would like. When a day comes that ends in the letter of your choosing, you will be contacted.
Right-handed people may comment on any post they choose, but they do so at their own risk and must sign a waiver acknowledging this. I cannot be held responsible for the consequences.
On occasion, I may post links and information that have been previously put forward. Those posts will be flagged with the designation "Objects In The Rearview Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear", and should be shared with caution due to the uncertainty of their relevance to today's current events. If you choose to share them, and later find out that was a stupid things to do, that is not my fault.
Twitter followers are encouraged to post on their birthday, even in the midst of scrolling through their Facebook birthday messages. This can be accomplished by during the required restroom breaks needed while sifting through all of those posts, however I do not recommend tweeting while actively in the restroom. Please wash your hands before tweeting.
While I am actually really crafty, I can't get into Pinterest. Sorry. Can't do it. Any postings to that site under my name should be treated with extreme caution and reported to the authorities as armed and dangerous.
Posting these guidelines on your feed with NOT protect your from zombies, and we apologize for the inconvenience.
Posting these guidelines will also not protect your from stalker ex-spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends/coworkers/family. If they won't leave you alone, you are screwed. Once again, we apologize for the inconvenience.
These guidelines are not legally binding, however they can be used as a flotation device in the event of a water landing.
Thank you for your cooperation. I look forward to seeing you on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.